Non-functioning hood scoop on non-turbo Outback, RS and Legacy

[DS]

I dug this out of some old emails circa 1998. Still pretty funny...



Top ten answers to give the next time someone asks "What's the hood
scoop for?"

#10 - It's designed to cool the panel that blocks the other side of it.

#9 - Stick your finger in there and I'll show you.

#8 - It's got AWD and handles very good, and did you see this sunroof, and
check out the wheels, and...

#7 - I've been meaning to look that up in the manual, cool though isn't it?

#6 - Let's just say it's not exactly legal and leave it at that. I could get
in big trouble if I told you more.

#5 - What scoop? It's got a scoop?

#4 - It's an intake for the pump that feeds the pneumatic passenger ejection
system. Wanna go for a ride?

#3 - Feeds the top intercooler for the 2nd turbo, it was the only way they
could make it reliable with 525 HP.

#2 - Yes it is.

And the #1 answer for "What's the hood scoop for?"

#1 - Scooping, you idiot.

 

[Vanguard]

Top ten answers to give the next time someone asks "What's the hood
scoop for?"

<snip>

To provide air drag to push the air up and over the wipers so they don't
skip on the windshield at speeds over 126 mph. However, that can't be
tested because the max speed for the vehicle is 123 mph.

;^>

That's where the radar detector is hidden. Got tired of the tissue box
cover on the dash. They're illegal in my state.

:-o

It's for a pop-up television option that I didn't get, but they
installed it backwards.



It looks like I'm moving too fast since I can see the road so close to
me down the hood which makes me nervous, so it obtructs the view. I
feel more comfortable when I don't know things.

-(

What, you don't buy from spam e-mail on how to make your dongle bigger?
That's my car's dongle. My hood's bigger than yours.

)

I used to have a bigger engine with a supercharger but can't afford it
anymore with the high gas prices, and I needed something to cover the
hole in the hood.

:-/

What, you don't like bulging vehicles with totally useless crap tacked
on? I suppose you don't like this bulbous wrap-around fender, either.
(Say the rest as energetic as you can.) I like to pretend it's a
Transformer car, ready to unfold at any moment into a full-sized armored
military Hummer with Avenger turrent complete with 8 stinger missile
launcher and a 50 caliber machine gun. I press 3 times what looks like
the cigar lighter to transform and then I go mowing down a mob of
terrorists that are wearing George Bush face masks while ... DING DING
DING ... Excuse me, time for my meds.

)8-p

The cops gave up trying to get close enough to use an EMP to stop the
cars that they were chasing. Instead they're getting the car makers to
put a shaped explosive charge above the engine to blow a hole in it to
stop the evaders.

)8^>

It's where the GPS is stored.

?;-)

It pops up for the ceiling hook so I can do my own undercarriage
service. I couldn't afford a hydraulic floor lift.

\:-@